Tomorrow is my birthday...I'll be 31. I know it seems like an odd birthday to be excited about, but I've been looking forward to this birthday since I turned 30. Turning 30 was difficult...not b/c I was leaving my 20's but b/c of personal shit that was clouding my life. I was too sad to enjoy it.
31 seems brighter, more anticipated, better- nothing is holding me back. I'm free to be whoever and do whatever I want. I'm anxious to see what I'll do. It's nice to be excited about my life again. I feel like once I'm 31 and the new year is under way, all the ghosts will fade, the anger will be gone, my heart will reopen, my spirit will be whole. It may be wishful thinking that a birthday and a new year will some how make everything better- erase all the bad.....sometimes wishing is better than doing nothing.
Monday, December 18, 2006
Monday, December 4, 2006
December 4, 2006
Dichotomy of the season; current mood: melancholy
I'm usually pretty happy for this time of year to arrive. People tend to be friendlier, more giving, less wrapped up in themselves. I like watching snow fall, especially when I have no place to go. My birthday is in a few weeks. My family gathers. I love singing Christmas carols. And yet, I feel tired of the holidays already. I've taken to a bah humbug sort of attitude. I don't want to decorate but I have a ton of ornaments and Christmas decor, so it seems a waste not to get them out. I'd really rather give them all away. I'm anxious about seeing aunts and uncles that only seem to care if I'm dating or want the juicy details about my break-up rather than hear about my career. I'm anxious about being around all the happy couples oblivious to anyone but themselves b/c I'd rather make snide comments than rejoice for them. I'm anxious about being alone b/c I wonder how many more holidays I will endure without someone to share my traditions or make new traditions with.
Maybe you think I'm feeling sorry for myself. Perhaps I am. Rarely do I even admit that to myself. It just seems like nothing ever changes. And I know all that crap about how I can make things change, make things different. I'm just tired of trying so damn hard. Should it really be that difficult, that time-consuming, that much effort?
I am looking forward to January- a new year, a fresh start, and hopefully a change of scenery.
I'm usually pretty happy for this time of year to arrive. People tend to be friendlier, more giving, less wrapped up in themselves. I like watching snow fall, especially when I have no place to go. My birthday is in a few weeks. My family gathers. I love singing Christmas carols. And yet, I feel tired of the holidays already. I've taken to a bah humbug sort of attitude. I don't want to decorate but I have a ton of ornaments and Christmas decor, so it seems a waste not to get them out. I'd really rather give them all away. I'm anxious about seeing aunts and uncles that only seem to care if I'm dating or want the juicy details about my break-up rather than hear about my career. I'm anxious about being around all the happy couples oblivious to anyone but themselves b/c I'd rather make snide comments than rejoice for them. I'm anxious about being alone b/c I wonder how many more holidays I will endure without someone to share my traditions or make new traditions with.
Maybe you think I'm feeling sorry for myself. Perhaps I am. Rarely do I even admit that to myself. It just seems like nothing ever changes. And I know all that crap about how I can make things change, make things different. I'm just tired of trying so damn hard. Should it really be that difficult, that time-consuming, that much effort?
I am looking forward to January- a new year, a fresh start, and hopefully a change of scenery.
Friday, September 29, 2006
September 29, 2006
Massage/work
I worked on a client last night who recently lost her mother. She and her sisters had been caring for her mother for several years. During that 2 hour session, I experienced with her the rush of emotions surrounding death. I felt her sadness, her exhaustion, her fear, her anger, her denial, her relief and finally her peace and this sense of letting go. Usually one or two emotions come up during a session; never before have I experienced so many emotions w/ one client during one session. It was a great session; a lot of healing and letting go was able to happen. To be able to facilitate that healing-physically and emotionally- for another human being is overwhelming sometimes, but very satisfying. I feel a sense fulfillment...like I'm doing what I'm suppose to be doing....like I'm where I'm suppose to be....becoming who I'm suppose to be.
I worked on a client last night who recently lost her mother. She and her sisters had been caring for her mother for several years. During that 2 hour session, I experienced with her the rush of emotions surrounding death. I felt her sadness, her exhaustion, her fear, her anger, her denial, her relief and finally her peace and this sense of letting go. Usually one or two emotions come up during a session; never before have I experienced so many emotions w/ one client during one session. It was a great session; a lot of healing and letting go was able to happen. To be able to facilitate that healing-physically and emotionally- for another human being is overwhelming sometimes, but very satisfying. I feel a sense fulfillment...like I'm doing what I'm suppose to be doing....like I'm where I'm suppose to be....becoming who I'm suppose to be.
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