December 4, 2006

Dichotomy of the season; current mood: melancholy

I'm usually pretty happy for this time of year to arrive. People tend to be friendlier, more giving, less wrapped up in themselves. I like watching snow fall, especially when I have no place to go. My birthday is in a few weeks. My family gathers. I love singing Christmas carols. And yet, I feel tired of the holidays already. I've taken to a bah humbug sort of attitude. I don't want to decorate but I have a ton of ornaments and Christmas decor, so it seems a waste not to get them out. I'd really rather give them all away. I'm anxious about seeing aunts and uncles that only seem to care if I'm dating or want the juicy details about my break-up rather than hear about my career. I'm anxious about being around all the happy couples oblivious to anyone but themselves b/c I'd rather make snide comments than rejoice for them. I'm anxious about being alone b/c I wonder how many more holidays I will endure without someone to share my traditions or make new traditions with.

Maybe you think I'm feeling sorry for myself. Perhaps I am. Rarely do I even admit that to myself. It just seems like nothing ever changes. And I know all that crap about how I can make things change, make things different. I'm just tired of trying so damn hard. Should it really be that difficult, that time-consuming, that much effort?

I am looking forward to January- a new year, a fresh start, and hopefully a change of scenery.